A Shoulder to Cry On
by OTH-FOQ
Summary: Set at the end of 5x10. Hotch is thinking about the recent events in his life, and an old friend makes an appearance. Reviews are lovely.


**_Takes place during 5x10, at the very end of the episode, after Rossi left Hotch alone at the cemetery. Your reviews are important to me. I always answer to them if you're logged in, of course._**

**_Important : I feel like you should read "Memory Lane" and "A Night Visitor" before reading this one._**

* * *

He sits silently on the bench, his elbows resting on his thighs, his eyes staring blankly at the name written in front of him. Haley Hotchner. His wife.

_Ex-wife,_ Hotch corrects mentally.

This is something he'll probably never get used to. People who love each other so much should never be separated.

Aaron loved his job; that's what he'd been born to do. But sometimes… sometimes he wished he was somebody else. A man with a normal job that didn't involve seeing dead people every day and being more often on the road than at home. A man who could be a husband and a father to his wife and kid. Yes, sometimes Hotchner hated his job. Recently, it had been a living hell. A nightmare. Something he desperately wished to wake up from. But this was just reality. His reality.

Now, Haley is no more, and Jack is going to grow up without a mother and with an absentee father. Something Hotch would've done anything to avoid. But he knows he'll go back to work. He'll go back to his team, because he was born to catch the bad guys and put them away. Because if he stops doing that, then it means that Foyet has won. And Hotch will never let that happen. If he quits, if he retires, then Haley died for nothing. If anything, her death makes him want to fight harder than ever before. He feels so much rage and anger and sadness that he needs a way to evacuate all this negative energy and work is the best option. Haley knows, and she understands. Hotch told Rossi that his wife—ex-wife—already knows that he won't leave the BAU. Now Aaron has to focus on his son, Jack. Haley still lives through him, he tells himself. She's not completely gone.

There's someone standing a few feet behind him; he can feel them. He closes his eyes and tries to clear his head.

"Let me guess. Reid called you ?" He asks in a calm and steady voice.

"It's the second time that he calls me in less than three months. We have to stop meeting under such circumstances, Hotch."

That actually gets a smile from him, although it's a sad and tired one. He stands up and walks around the bench to face the young woman. Despite her little comment to lighten the mood, she isn't smiling. She looks rather sad. He steps closer and his eyes meet hers.

"I'm so sorry, Hotch."

He nods absently. Then she does something he didn't expect. She hugs him. And without thinking, he hugs her back, just as tightly.

"Thank you for coming, Elle. It means a lot."

"I thought you could use a friend. Besides, I liked Haley. It felt right to be here. She didn't deserve to die. But you already know that." She says while stepping back.

"I didn't see you at the funeral."

"I was there. But I kept my distance because of the team."

"Did you hear from Gideon ?"

"Actually, yes."

Hotch looks up in surprise. His former partner didn't give him so much of a call since he left the BAU a couple of years ago. Elle seems to read the confusion on his features because she adds quickly :

"We've met a few times, when he's near Seattle."

"What's he doing ?"

"Just, uh, travelling. He's looking for a place where he'll feel at peace to settle but I don't think he's found one so far. Anyway, I called him to break the news to him. You'll probably receive a letter, very soon."

"What did he say ?"

"He mostly remained silent. You know him. Then he thanked me for telling him and said he'd call me soon."

He can smell it; her perfume. And Hotchner doesn't know what comes through his mind but he feels the need to tell her that.

"I like it. Your perfume."

Elle raises an eyebrow and the right corner of her mouth lifts up slightly.

"Hum, thank you ?"

"I'm sorry. It's just…"

"No it's okay, you don't have to explain yourself. You like it, it's good."

He's relieved. With anybody else, he would've justified himself anyway, but not with Elle. She's not like the others and Hotch remembers that's why he liked her so much and was so upset when she had left the team. Silently, he takes her arm and leads her to the bench where they both sit down. He knows without a doubt that she's staring at the piece of paper where Haley's name is written. Soon, there'll be a real tombstone with her name engraved in it.

"I killed him."

When Elle remains silent; he goes on.

"He was in the house when I got there. He was probably looking for Jack when I arrived. He hid himself behind the curtains. I shot him but he had a bulletproof vest. We fought. I beat him. I beat him to death and I would've continued if Morgan hadn't stopped me from hitting his face. I didn't think I had it in me. This violence, this hatred."

"Hotch, you were protecting your son and who knows how many other people. And you were avenging Haley. No one blames you for beating the shit out of that son of a bitch."

"But I killed him !"

"Are you sorry you did ?"

"… No."

"We're all with you, Hotch."

"Is that how you felt ?"

"What ?" Elle asks, confused by the conversation being suddenly about her.

"When you killed Lee, is that how you felt ? No guilt, No remorse ?"

She hesitates for a second and then she says firmly :

"Yes. I told you that. If I had to do it all over again, I'd kill him all the same."

"Was it self-defense ?"

"Hotch, I already told you all about it…"

"And now I'd like to hear the truth, Elle."

There's another pause, longer this time.

"No, it was no self-defense."

He nods but doesn't say a word.

"Are you going to arrest me now ?"

That earns a smile from him and he takes her hand in his. Then his face turns once again serious when he looks in her eyes.

"Elle, what you did was wrong. But you know that. Deep down you know it. Even if that bastard didn't deserve to walk away and even if he would've probably raped other women. But who am I to blame you now ? I've killed a man, too. And I wasn't as merciful as you were. You used a gun whereas I used my fists."

"This man had attacked you personally, and it was either you or him. I'm glad you killed him."

"Did it make you feel better, to kill Lee ?"

"For a while, yes. Then I just wanted to forget about him. But this isn't something you forget."

Hotch tightens his hold on her hand.

"We all have our demons. Thank you, for helping me with mine."

"Anytime. That's what friends are for, right ?"

It's weird, Aaron thinks. He's never really been one to initiate physical contact, and Haley was the only woman he's ever loved, but things with Elle are easy and she doesn't seem to mind when he holds her hand. If she notices that he's being unusually tactile, she doesn't say a word about it. Hotch is pretty sure though, that if she still worked with him, he wouldn't be so close to her. It would be misunderstood in the Bureau.

"I'm scared."

"About what ?"

"I'm scared that Jack will blame me later for not being able to save his mother. That he'll hate me for letting her die."

"He won't. He will understand that you did everything to protect them. That you saved his life even if you couldn't save Haley's. And you'll have us to back you up and make him realize that you're a hero, Hotch. You dedicate your life to finding evil people and putting them away. Jack is smart. He knows that now, and he will never forget it. Don't be scared."

"Thank you, Elle."

He gets up and she imitates him.

"Where is he, by the way ? Jack ?"

"With Haley's sister. When are you going back to Seattle ?"

"Tomorrow night. I wish I could've stayed longer, but you know, work and everything."

"Yeah. Do you want to go grab some coffee or something ? I really need to get out of this cemetery. I feel like I'm going to break down if I stay any longer."

"Sure. Lead the way, agent Hotchner."

He seems hesitant and looks back at Haley's not-there-yet grave. Gently, Elle links her arm with his and she drags him away from the bench.

"Let's go, Hotch."

He doesn't resist.

* * *

_**I chose to make it three months since Hotch was at the hospital because I didn't remember if we had any temporal indication in the show between him being hurt by Foyet and Haley being killed.**_

_**Please, if you notice mistakes, send me a message to tell me. Thanks.**_

_**OTH-FOQ**_


End file.
